The art of the "You won't"

For those of you who are not satisfied with Jill's explanation of the "You won't", allow me to elaborate.

The art of the "you won't" goes back a whole seven or eight months ago to senior year at Corban University. Surprisingly enough, boredom and entertainment were the soul purposes of the "you won't" which quickly morphed into an epidemic. And when I say epidemic, I mean that it was used hourly between a select group of people until the day we graduated.

I honestly have no idea when the first official "you won't" was muttered, but I do recall the night where it became a major fad. I was chillin' with some of my buddies in our RA's room talking about life and making fun of homeschooled kids when one of my friends blurted "I'm kinda hungry. Anybody want to go to the coffee shop?"

Trips to the on-campus coffee shop were not out of the norm, and anything would have been more exciting than what we were doing at that point. As we all scattered to get our wallets and put shoes on I heard one of my friends say "B----- (Since I am going to be a teacher I am taking this opportunity to practice confidentiality) you won't walk to the coffee shop barefoot." B, having been corrupted and influenced by his elder peers swiftly replied without hesitation "I will."

The next five minutes was a barrage of "you won'ts" that will not be forgotten, at least by me. At the time, we thought it was funny. We thought it was entertaining. But none of us had any idea that it would transform into a monster that consumed our everyday conversation with one another. After the "you wont's" had settled and the echo of laughter in the hallway had subsided, we began our trek to the coffee shop.

 In all, there were five of us that departed the dorm. One of us was barefoot, wearing their shoes on their hands. A second was blindfolded by his shirt (yes he was shirtless). Another had to hop on one leg the entire time. The fourth had to do something ridiculous with their clothing (I do not quite remember this "you won't", please forgive me). And the fifth and final person, yes this was me. I had the honor of making sure that the blind folded person did not fall and kill themselves on the treacherous Corban hillside. That’s right, nobody "you won'ted" me. Looking back, I have no idea how this is possible because since this hilarious occasion I have been the main target of "you wont's" among my friends.

Anyways, we made it down to the coffee shop without anyone dying . . . physically. There may or may not have been a few deaths due to embarrassment. In fact, the only one of us who came away from this night not embarrassed was the lucky one who was shirtless and blindfolded. The rest of us were targets of confused and concentrated glares, eccentric bursts of laughter, and about a million questions. Questions like "What are you guys doing?" "You know its cold outside right?" and "Does that guy ever wash his feet?"

As the days went by we realized that the initial "you wont's" were childish and stupid. We were young adults, highly educated, and the best we could come up with was "you won't go to the coffee shop barefoot and wear your shoes on your hands?" Not only was this embarrassing, but it wasn't that fun. There had to be something bigger and better out there. We were determined to improve. Not only in our use of the "you won't" but also in the actual "you wont's" and their execution as well.

At first a "you won't" was expected to be followed through on, and about 95% of the time it was, much to the delight of everyone that hadn't been "you won'ted." But as our college educated brains began to turn and the "you won'ts" that were so deviously conceived in our heads began to spiral out of control, it got to the point where the "you won't" became a monster. The "you won't" mentality became a lifestyle. "You won't eat another serving of Aramark mystery meat" "You won't go streaking on Corban campus" "You won't (enter any ridiculous idea that you think a college student could come up with here and I guarantee you it was used)." EVERYONE "you won'ted" each other about EVERYTHING. Girls, church, food, hygiene, homework, intramurals. You name it and we “you won’ted” it. The "you won't" was everywhere, and WE LOVED IT.

Since then, we have matured a little bit. A few of us have graduated, the rest are bestowing the "you won't" on the new comers to Corban. The "you won't" has become a little more controlled in its old age which means statements like "You won't go stand in the middle of Warrior Drive and moon the security guard as he is driving up the hill" will not be heard anymore, unless the newcomers to this fad go back to the "dark days."

I have shared this with my family, and at first they thought that the "you won't" was stupid and pointless. Well, I "you won'ted" them so much that it became ingrained in their brains. I realized that I had finally got through to them when my mom "you won'ted" my sister and she "you won'ted" her right back, and my dad "you won'ted" me about getting a job.

This seemed like it was going to be a harmless stretch of jokes, and dares if you will, between me and my group of friends from school. That assumption was completely wrong. My family is now "you won'ters" and I have also converted Jill. My sister is in the process of making her entire high school class "you won'ters." And we all know when there are fads in high school they spread like wild fire in the middle of July.

Looking back, the birth of the "you won't" is a night I will never forget. Our attempt at humor and entertainment gruesomely gave birth to what has become an almost perfect use of the "you won't." The inappropriateness has been weeded out, and maturedness (I just created that word, deal with it) has prevailed. However, the art of the "you won't" is not a secret anymore. I was an accomplice to the originator. WE, me and my friends, we started this.

But thanks to Jill's exposure to the "you won't", my willingness to share the secret, my sister's big mouth and her fad happy high school friends, this amazing blog, and you, this could become more than a "college story", this could become a regional trend, a national trend, heck - even a worldwide trend. Why not, right? The art of the "you won't" was discovered, honed, and perfected. GO! USE THE YOU WON'T! (YOU WON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) It is fun, it is entertaining, but most importantly it’s not a secret anymore.

-Derek-